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20 June 2012 @ 11:40 pm
Wow, it's been a while. I, quite honestly, haven't felt like sharing anything with anyone, in all honesty. My desire to get all squishy with the general public has diminished a bit. I save it all for Facebook, really.

I suppose I should bring you guys up to speed, though. I work at Victoria's Secret, now, unpacking all of those lacy and silky unmentionables and finding places to put them in the store. It's actually pretty fun, but the pay is crap. I'm still stuck at Lane Bryant, and the store itself isn't doing so hot. I'm kind of half-expecting to come into work just to be told that the store is closing in a month. I went to Metrocon, did stuff... and that's really about it. Oh, yes, and my roof got repaired, as it was ripped, rotted, and leaking. Not so good.

To be honest, Murphy's Law keeps flickering in and out for me. From my lovely house falling apart to burning food to workplace mishaps to cosplay screw ups to vehicle hiccups. It's a bit... disheartening. I'm trying to keep my head up, but, me being the pessimist I am, I'm finding that expecting the worst tends to make the blow when it happens a bit less... painful? Surprising? Not sure which adjective to toss there, but I hope you get the point. To be the pessimist, I have to give in, just a bit, to being the somewhat depressed cynic. It's not fun, but it makes things easier. There's too many "but"s in this paragraph.

I've also done a lot of reflecting. I really am going a lot of nowhere and I'm still having issues changing that. My main roadblock remains to be the job front, as I kind of need money to get anywhere, and I'm simply not making enough to split it all the way I need it to be distributed. I'm especially bothered by this in light of the fact that I am 24 and I do need to be trying to get a bit more financially stable, not be leaning so heavily on relatives to survive. That is especially highlighted in something I came to think about in light of a recent event: my roommate, who happens to also be my uncle, had a minor stroke. He's still functioning alright (or is good at faking it), but the fact remains that without him, I'd be in a tight spot. My saving grace is that there's a third person living here, at least temporarily, and what she pays for rent would even things out. My point, though, is that if any of my remaining relatives that I work with for finances were to pass, for whatever reason, I'd have a problem. I hate this feeling of dependency.

Switching gears, just a bit, I've also reflected a bit on things I've wanted to do and haven't. I know, I know, that is a bit random. Still, though, it's a slightly more positive thing to occupy myself with. My wants are a bit odd, I suppose. Sometimes I feel a little "Pinocchio"-like in that there's a lot of things I've never experienced, largely because my childhood and teenage years were a tiny bit disrupted by my own family's varied issues (cancer, custody cases, strange family drama), so some of the things I want to do/experience might seem pretty simple and silly to other people, like dating and relationships. I didn't mix myself up in that stuff in school simply because I didn't have the time or mental capacity to keep up. So all of those things like "first kisses" and such are lost on me. All of the guys I hung out with were my guy friends. I never got hit on, and I was usually the wing man or the advice giver since I was such a neutral party. This persisted a tiny bit into college, even. So, looking at people now, doing the dating and "relationshippy" thing does make me curious what it would be like, what with how I am these days (abrasive and blunt are the adjectives that come to mind). There's other things I'm curious about, but those I'll keep secret for now. That's the only one I wanted throw out there in my "hmmm" moment of reflection. Would I ever be serious about a relationship with that attitude of curiosity? I don't know. My ideals are skewed a bit, what with my anti-marriage and anti-children sentiment. It'd really depend on the definition of serious.

This is getting to be a long post and I haven't even poured out the half of my brain meats. I guess I've just had a lot on my mind lately, for better or worse.
 
 
Current Music: "Witness" - Tryad
 
 
04 February 2012 @ 04:07 pm
So, I've been spending much of my time playing video games, as, well, the less I go out, the less money I spend, and the less gas I use. Thus far, 2012 has been preeeetty craptastic. Still broke, still don't like my job, still in debt (as a result of being broke -- had to use the card I was trying to pay off for gas and groceries back in Jan-- go go counterproductive!), still feeling like I'm sitting back at start.

The job front is still grim, although they've started working on the Forever21 out in Pier Park. I have, however, been desperately trying to get a job in town, but alas, Pier Park is successfully sucking the retail-life out of Panama City. There are still a few other places to try, but I don't expect much to come out of it. The job situation in this town has always been rough, quite simply because this "town" has become a true city and still has the trappings of a town, complete with overpopulation and a bloated cost of living. Anyway, yes, still going to search for a new, or at least, additional job, as my hours are nearly non-existent, which is getting to be problematic, especially when a third of each paycheck goes to gas alone. Hence why I want a job NOT on the beach. Working on the beach means I need to be paid at least 8.50 per hour or get 25 hours a week on 8 per hour. I'm currently only getting 12 hours a week. Problem? Much.

In light of my, ah, financial issues, many other things are now on the ropes, like my cosplay plans and, more specifically, Metrocon. Those are side hobbies and, well, when it comes to choosing between hobbies and bills, I'm afraid the outcome is obvious. It will always be bills first. I don't want to have to toss Metro out the window, but if it comes down to it, I'm not afraid to. I'm just hoping that I get my job situation rectified within the next month a half.

In other news, there really isn't much other news. I've managed to mostly stick to my resolution of not buying anything I can't make, although largely out of being too broke to buy anything. I have some things on the table to make myself once I've got some free time, whenever that is. Issue is, there's a lot of "home improvement" that needs doing, which requires money. Got a quote to deal with the carpenter ants, which are getting quite problematic now, and after they're dealt with, we have to replace the drywall around the front door. Hopefully that's all, but Tom pointed out that the wood framing could quite possibly be rotted and water damaged as well, thanks to the shoddy construction of the door frame and drywall. That would make an $80 fix over a weekend into a $120 dollar fix over possibly a few days. There's other things that need doing, too, but they're far more minor.

Again, 2012 is proving to be a let-down year thus far.
 
 
11 January 2012 @ 02:07 am
2012  
First post of 2012, done in my usual style (ie it's 1:21 in the morning and am I sleeping? Nope). Went to a convention this past weekend, met back up with some old friends, made a new friend (well, gaming acquaintance, really), and re-kindled the desire to get back into fighting games outside of Guilty Gear, although, I'm pretty rubbish at them in general. Not gonna lie, though, the convention was damn boring. Hopefully next year will be better. Until then, back to grinding away at the Metrocon grindstone.

Speaking of sewing, that encompasses my New Year's resolution: don't buy anything I can make. It'll force my sewing skills to improve, and cut down on my spending (which happens to be the sub-resolution). On that note, my first personal project of the year will be to make a bra. Now, I still intend to buy bras, as, after doing the math, the sort of bras I like aren't economical for me to make, not to mention the skill level is a bit high. However, I do want to try it, making them. When I get up the money, I'll get the supplies. In the meantime, I shall finish my Calintz cosplay, as it's closest to completion. Then Gloria.

On the job front, I'm still underpaid and unhappy, but what can you do? This dead end town seems to have little use for my skill sets and is still reeling from the job slump of 2009-2011. There's supposed to be a Forever 21 opening out in Pier Park, and I intend to apply there to try and get a full time position. It doesn't look like I'll be able to escape the thirty mile commute, so I'll just have to work hard enough to earn enough to balance out the gas. No lie, I'd be willing to drive farther if the pay is good enough. For $15 an hour, I'd probably be willing to drive to Destin. Well, and a really good job atmosphere. I'd have to really love my job. That's neither here nor there, though. Point being I need to make a change on the job front, as I'm losing money going to work these days, what with gas. If I can't get in at Forever21, I'm not really sure what I'll do. Try Old Navy. Again. For the fourth time.

On a different front entirely, I am still lamenting my lack of male interaction in my social life. Before anyone says anything, what I mean is a bit complicated, then again, any time I talk about my ideal love life and friendships with the other gender, I never do follow the norm. I do sort of want a boyfriend, but not in the traditional sense. I don't care about the love thing or any of that bullshit. Just kind of... want a guy friend that's got my back. Strangely simple, really. I can't explain why I have the desire or anything like that. I just know it's there. Perhaps I'm lonely? I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not going to attempt to answer the enigmatic "why."

This probably explains why I feel awkward around guys I do feel a connection with. I know not how to handle it, outside of trying to not seem like a creeper.

In a similar vein, but different note, one thing that does distress me: I'm feeling more detached from my friends and less willing to talk to them genuinely. Usually, it seems, I have what I really want to say in my head, but then something entirely different and "non-rock-the-boat" like comes out, and isn't at all what I want to say. As such, inversely, I feel less inclined to speak to them about whatever is on my mind. Then again, I've rarely gotten very helpful feedback, and few times had my problems thrown back in my face. Well, I suppose this is what this journal's been for all along. 

Circling back on a less serious note: not gonna lie, the dude me n' Hal played KOF with was pretty hot, not to mention I have an extreme soft spot for a guy who looks extremely good in drag. Something about him made a red flag go up in my mind, though (damn women's intuition). Keeping that guy filed under "gaming pal" in my brain, for now.


Now that guy from Metrocon. That's a different story entirely.
 
 
12 November 2011 @ 01:02 am
So, after weeks, or perhaps closer to months, at this point, of being berated by "I am the 99%," I decided to educate myself on this shenanigan that is Occupy What-the-fuck-ever.

I proceeded to facepalm. Hard. The angry anarchist punk-kid in me did this:

"*Stares at Occupy protesters* ... Anti-consumerism? But you want wealth equally distributed. This is essentially idealistic communism."
"No it isn't! It's fighting for what the American dream is supposed to be. *adjusts hipster glasses* We the people are fighting back against the wealthy politicians stealing our money."
"... Right. I'm taking my little rebel black flag, going home, and crying in a sodding corner, because you blighters are bloody fucktards."


The fact that my rebel voice is British aside, I think that this all is... ridiculous. For starters, my disgust and confusion at the whole thing comes from the old concept -- a concept still sought after, might I add -- of the American Dream. A nice big house, two kids, a wife, a dog, and that classic green lawn and a white picket fence. Everyone with creepy smiles plastered on their faces because life is good. See, the thing is, in order to get to that dream, you have to have some degree of wealth. So, basically, everyone dreams of becoming wealthy, to a point, and having no worries. So, then, why is it that, once someone achieves that, they instantly become evil? It's no lie that money has the power to corrupt, but when was it that we established this double standard?

Oh, wait, it was established some forty to fifty odd years ago. About the same time everyone stopped giving a shit about politics, hygiene, and social standards. Problem is, people got back to caring about only two out of three of those things. Hint: it isn't politics. People instantly assumed that all politicians were corrupt and that the concept of voting began to swiftly decline. It was only a matter of time before the system itself started to collapse, like it's doing right now. Our health system is shot, we're in a hellhole amount of debt as a country, our justice system is full of loopholes, and we can't seem to stop arguing for one bleeding minute to get anything done. No wonder America is the butt of the world's jokes. We probably look like an entire country of idiots. Hell, even WE ourselves can't take ourselves seriously.

That, ladies and gents, is where some of my disgust stems. This Occupy thing seems to have this broken notion that it was the rich guys at the top that caused all this. Newsflash: You guys started it, and now you're looking to push the blame on someone else. You're the same generation that couldn't be bothered to vote five to ten years ago. Now you're complaining the government's gone all to hell. I WONDER WHY. Look where cool apathy got you. Nowhere. Don't even get me started on the platform of the movement (or, at least, the concepts mostly agreed on). Debt forgiveness? Tax hikes on the wealthy? Seriously? You think that's going to fix anything? Yes, let's pretend all this money people borrowed never existed. Let's not punish people for spending beyond their means. Not to mention that, well, how do you think the companies that are owed that money would feel? "Oh, but they're big blood sucking corporations!!" Yes, they're businesses, with people. The more money you suck out of them, the more of those people get laid off. The more people that are laid off, the higher the unemployment rate goes. You have to MAKE money in order PAY people. It's a very simple concept. As far as tax hikes on the wealthy are concerned, I just roll my eyes. Yes, let's ignore the glaring problem that approximately half the country IS NOT paying taxes. At all. Either for sake of unemployment, being an illegal (ahem), or being a blood-sucking welfare-muncher, they're not paying taxes. Or, better yet, why don't we reform the tax system to make a bit more damned sense? I really hate this concept of "You make more than me, so you have the money to burn!" 


This entire damned country's problem is it can't own up to it's mistakes. It's like the big macho jock in a highschool, touting how awesome and cool he is, and pretends how his shit doesn't stink. It's sickening to have grown up watching things progress like this. We apathetically watch the television, sitting on our obese asses, laughing at other people's lives unravel in "reality shows" and then protest the laws that get passed because we're too busy eating Big Macs and watching Real Housewives of Orange County or something as opposed to just stopping to read a newspaper or Google what's going to the polls for fifteen damn minutes. We groom a generation of "I WANT IT NOW MOMMY!" and wonder why they become angry self entitled psychopaths in school.


Dear god we're in such a large need of putting down the rose tinted glasses and doing for ourselves, and, most importantly, using our damn brains.
 
 
29 September 2011 @ 02:38 am
To quote Clive Owen's character in "Shoot 'em Up," as he says that in multiple parts of the movie. I decided that I, randomly, wanted to make a list of things I hate. Randomly. Just because I feel like it. I'll follow up, at a later date, with a random list of things I love, but for now, since this is before bed, we'll keep it simple.

Shrimp (and all of it's immediate relatives)
They look weird, have a strange texture, and an equally strange, fishy flavor. I can't stand them, prawns, or anything in between. It doesn't help that I'm ferociously allergic to them. Any other shellfish and I'm fine. Shrimp? One bite of shrimp and I'm in the bathroom.

Aggressive Drivers
You are not in a race, and you are not so important as to be able to cut people off and speed down a 45 mph street at 80. Deal.

The Fake Smile in the workplace
If you don't like me, don't bullshit me to my face. Say you hate me and want me to die in a back alley somewhere, don't smile and pretend to be nice. It wastes both of our time.

Double Standards
Do not set a standard or rule and then hop, skip, and loop around it. Standards are meant to be maintained by everyone, for the same reasons, same time, not only half the time when someone feels like it.

Location induced social awkwardness
Don't really have a better term for it. I like being social. I especially like parties. I especially hate spending $100 on decor, supplies, and food, and slaving over said food for a day and a half, only to have one to three people show up out of a twenty person guest list. Especially when people can't be bothered to RSVP. So often I hear "but you live too far out." So, it's okay for me to drive to you but not for you to drive to me. Right. See above, "Double Standard."

Licorice
That stuff tastes nasty.

Fat free/sugar free foods
Tasty chemicals! Because that's totally healthier!

Short-sightedness
"Stop offshore drilling NOW!" ... So, if we stop today, this very second, theoretically, what will fuel your car to get you to work tomorrow? What will the USPS put in their mail trucks, carriers, planes. Think before you speak.

Insomnia
Sleeping is good. Insomnia is not.

And that's all my brain can think of at the moment.
 
 
 
14 July 2011 @ 12:57 am

Sometime, I intend to buy Abney Park's albums.  I really like their sound, not to mention Robert's voice has such a lovely quality to it.

Moving on, just a short entry on a few things.

I need schedule of some sort, but getting a schedule requires having time to myself to figure out a schedule that would suit me. Most importantly, I need to clean house again, as I'm still partly in post-con disarray. Not as bad as last year, but still.

I need to finish my sewing room so that I may take on a grandiose undertaking I've been putting off: actually going through with my little fashion venture, "Black Flag." I have sketches drawn up, I just need to finalize them, with swatches and such, and get a move on with sewing them. Then will come the fun part of photography and such.
 
I need to get my life in order, badly. My debt is getting handled well, so that's not an issue, so much. It's still an issue, but not like it was two years ago. The Amex is nearing the halfway point of getting into the $5000 range, which is good. That's down from $9000. I've shaved $4000 off. I'd like to shave another $4000 off in short order. That's not my point, though. My point is that, financially speaking, I'm just barely above water without help. I have help, and that's great, but my goal is to get to where help is safety padding, not life support. At the moment, I can't make my goal payments of at least $300 a month on credit cards on my own, not on top of bills. Disregarding credit bills, I only make about $150 over what I need for bills. That... doesn't leave much for gas, groceries, and miscellaneous. I've decided to try again at Gamestop in the mall, and possibly quit Lane Bryant, more to cut gas costs. It's too much. I'm doing 50 miles every day I work, and I aim to work three days a week at least. That equals out to at least 150 miles driven a week, and that's with me getting a shitty schedule. Okay kids, it's math time.
 
 
Lane Bryant: 25 miles away, one way
Amount of workdays that can fit into one full tank (@ 36 mpg, 12 gallons, 432 mi per fill-up): 8 days (excluding driving anywhere else but LB)
GameStop: 11 miles away, one way
Amount of workdays that can fit into one full tank (@ 36 mpg, 12 gallons, 432 mi per fill-up): 19 (excluding driving anywhere else but GS)
 
... Yeah. Pier Park is double the time and miles from the Panama City Mall for me, and thus, the more expensive job. So, that's one life change I'm looking into. Another is tightening my budget, and saving more money. Hopefully, if I do get hired at Gamestop, or hell, just in that mall alone, I can do that more easily. I intend to live a bit more frugally, and I also intend to give that whole green thing a shot.
 
I need to live up to being the demanding bitch than knows what she wants in life. So, a while back, I decided to stop coordinating things to do with friends, and see if anyone else would do it. A silent experiment, really. I wanted to be on the receiving end of an invite to go to the movies, or to come over for video gaming and food, or shopping, or whatever. I... can't recall one time anyone did. Not once. It wasn't that anyone wasn't doing anything, but rather, I was conveniently left out or forgotten. After getting over the bitter feeling of being "unnecessary" or being left out, and being highly offended, and having actually said something about it and getting zero response, I've decided that, from now on, I don't care whose toes I step on. Oh, you and Mary Sue are going to the movies? I'm coming. You guys happen to be meeting up for drinks? Oh really? What restaurant? I'll be there in a moment. I'm inviting myself, from now on, and butting into people's plans. If people don't have the balls to tell me no to my face, then they can deal with the willing third wheel. To be honest, I'm settling back into my "I don't give a shit" attitude. It's not the most healthy, but it's healthier than my nice girl gig.
 
 
So yes, I have things to do, money to budget, and changes to make.
 
 
 
Current Music: "The Wrong Side" - Abney Park
 
 
02 June 2011 @ 12:41 am
 You know, as much as I hated on Ke$ha originally, her songs DO stick to your brain like glue, and there's something to be said about that.

I've been thinking more on everything, which is usually a bad thing, but this time, it's something of a good thing. I see what my problem is, my overarching problem that's making everything daunting, confusing, and hard to grasp.


I want for too much.


I'm ambitious, which is expected. I want to be the edgy do it yourself IT girl. I want to be the unexpected computer wiz. I want to be the digital magician, making stories come to life in 3D. I want to be the brash rebel of a fashion designer. I want to have a house that everyone wants to be at, and parties to remember. I want to be able to live every single day fast and thrilling, and be satisfied with the result when I hit that pillow. I want it all to happen before I'm 50, because I think it's stupid to save all the fun for later, when I'd really rather be dead. The concept of being old and frail, and, more importantly, dependent on someone or something, sickens me. My problem? I'm 23 and no where near any of those goals, and time certainly isn't waiting for me.
 
My secondary problem to all of that (that still is caused by all of it)? I'm anal, I'm cautious. I'm in debt and unsure of what to do, but don't feel comfortable jumping when I feel that I have a faulty parachute. I sat down and remapped my expenses and income out (for the tenth time, mind you), and ideally, I can probably be in a position I'm happy to start "jumping" with in about two years. THAT is ideally when I'd like to move and jump head-long into University or Design school life, because then I'll be truly on my own, and I will HAVE to be able to take whatever comes my way. However, to say that I'm in the "safety net" right now would be incorrect. I don't feel that I have a comfort zone anymore. I might have, at one point, but not anymore. My room is no comfort zone. If anything, it serves as a constant reminder of everything that needs to be done, or what is to be.
 
On a different note, I fumbled around on the webs and took a quiz on some medical site. I'm coming clean: it said I had a high risk for depression and should talk to a doctor. My own personal deduction? Life bores me, and trying to live up to everyone else's expectations on top of just paying bills is stressing me out. I get up, and, if I'm working, I eat, get dressed, go to work, feel largely unfulfilled at work ("It's a job. It pays. That's all. There are small perks."), get off, go home. Rinse, repeat. If I'm off, replace with with sitting in my room all day, wishing for something. I do miss my life right after high school, when I would go shopping with friends, go out to movies, hang out at people's houses, and go get food and just be happy. Unfortunately, all of those things cost money, and when you're trying to pay down a credit card, pay bills, and save for school/various other things, that's not something you can afford to do. Sadly, my credit card reflects those times. I (occasionally) stave off envy of others who CAN still do that with reminding myself that, someday, I'll be able to live the way I want to. That's a long way off, though, and that fact is... not the most comforting.
 
On a different track: I've also sat and thought about my options. If I were to go the digital design route, I would double major at University of Central Florida. The Digital Art degree track and the Graphic Design track have mostly the same core classes, with the electives being the only real difference. It'd add a semester or two, but I'd be walking away with two Bachelor's degrees. On the flipside, going with Fashion Design, things get a bit more difficult. There is only one school I've found in Florida that has a fashion design program, and that's the International Academy of Design and Technology. They're not only quite a bit more expensive than UCF, but when I last spoke with representatives and staff, they were extremely rude and patronizing. Initially, I blew them off because of this, but, well, they are the only options. I'd have to go out of state, otherwise, and, um, I just don't have the money for it. I don't even have the money for in-state, really. I can't even imagine what out of state tuition to a design school would be.
 
Anyway, here's the price breakdown.
 
 University of Central Florida
Total Tuition est: $20,400 ($2,040 per semester, based on a 12 credit hour semester) This is with the double major included
Avg Rent: $600
Estimate on books (at $100 per book, since computer textbooks are pricey): $3,500
International Academy of Design and Technology (Orlando)
Total Tuition est: $68,320 ($4,200 per semester, based on a 12 credit hour semester) 
Avg Rent: $600
Estimate on books ($80 per book): $4,800
 
So! As you can see... IADT is indeed much more expensive, three times as much, actually. If I intend to go that route, I'd have to wait and save quite a bit more. Yes, there's Pell and other such financial aid, but it only goes so far. What's worse is that I'm hoping that the whole "Federal Student Aid" thing doesn't have a tizzy over me having an Associate's already. I know I've had some issues with financial aid in the past.
 
I'd also like to say that I've been told by people on the web that networking is the big thing now with getting jobs in both general design industry. WTF? How do I even begin to do this? Only people I know would be Dunnivan and a not-quite-distant-relative-but-close Gretchen, and those are both in cases of Graphic Design. Loooooost.
 
Anyway, yes, there's my situation, and my costs to look forward to tackling whichever road I jump into first. I love fashion, I just... well... at that price, it'd better be worth it. Sticker shock like whoa. My plan, thus far, is to get all of my finances in order over the next year, with a plan to stop and review every three months. If I'm stable and ready early, I dive in early. Yes, I feel much better about this.
 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
09 March 2011 @ 12:22 am
Spring is upon us. Allergies, pollen, and bright, gay colors galore. What fun is to be had.

Or something.

As people giggle and frolic in the warm Floridian weather, dig out their tank tops and swimsuits, and lament the coming of drunken Spring Breakers, I merely frown and conjure my internal rain cloud.

Remember the mulling over things I did two posts ago? (And now two months ago) I never stopped thinking, and things haven't looked up. Ladies and gents, this mean mistress of imaginary darkness is still unhappy. What's worse is that, well, the longer I think on something, the more clearly I see the flaws in something. It's funny in the non-haha sort of way, how things are (or rather, how I perceive them to be). There are people with much bigger problems than mine, yet I'm so caught up in being irritated at my state of affairs, at my immobile state, that I find it impossible to conjure up sympathy, empathy, or anything else. 

Actually, in light of a recent tragedy, I find myself nostalgically recalling a similar event in my own life: when my mother passed. It's interesting, really, how bitterly I look back on it. I look at recent affairs, and how people came together to help and protect their own, to soften the blow and heal the wounds of the loss, and all I can remember is the distinct lack there-of when the same thing happened to me. There were arguments, abandonments, custody cases, tears, misunderstandings, and many nights spent toiling for ourselves in my household. No one really brought us food after the fact. No one offered to clean house, help with projects, help figure out finances. No one really came to cheer anyone up.

How I see it, we were dropped entirely once my mother's body was carried out the house. Oh sure, most of the family was there to bawl and cry over the matter, but once it was said and done, it seemed like they packed up and went their separate ways, leaving a nine year old and a 50-something woman who had literally just lost her daughter in the dust. As such, these days, I look at a similar situation of someone losing close family, and see all this help pour in, and I go "Where the hell was that when that happened to me?" On a darker note, in the face of seeing someone, anyone grieve, part of me just scoffs. I've gone through the death tango not once, not twice, not even three times. Four. My mother, my grandmother, and two of my friends. Part of me feels disdainful, in honesty. If I had to pick up and keep going, not even given a second to, well, deal, then why is everyone else allotted so much? It would seem my own pessimism and darkness has, over time, made me bitter, and, oddly, at the same time, desensitized, to a degree. Instead of empathy or sympathy, I feel envy, with possibly a touch of irony. It would seem that, slowly, I really am losing the ability to truly empathize with people. Or maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that out of some twisted sense of comfort?

Well, that certainly made me sound crazy.

In a similar vein, yet on a different note, there's a poem that has stuck, mostly, in my head since the days of public school, "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. Mind you, I can't really stand his other stuff, but this one I don't mind. Why do I bring this up? Well, the point of it is to not go the way everyone else goes. Follow your own path, go the harder route. In essence, do your own thing, for it will be more rewarding. I have always believed in this idea. It's why rock and punk and all of that has appealed to me. It's that concept of not conforming and being yourself, regardless of the environment that I like, that I sort of believe in. Yet, these days, when I try to make my own choices, it seems I get resistance. Sometimes, it's a passive force, not from an individual but from a situation, and sometimes, it is individual. I find a job I like, I go "hey, I'd like to continue on in this sort of thing, move up" and I get cock-blocked by all positions that would be stepping stones being fulfilled. I find something I want to do, career wise, and I get shot down by being told, basically, that I'm no good at it since I don't have a portfolio. I try to look at schools, and after sinking, really, a lot of money into investigating where I want to go, I suddenly get told to go somewhere closer (with the underlying tone of it being cheaper). I try to get back into gaming, designing, and that technological niche, and in order to feed that and afford it,  I work so much (and go to school so much) that I have no time to enjoy it. I am really, really tired of the "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario, particularly in the education/career sector of things. I'm so tired of bashing my head against a brick wall.

To be honest, I've actually... I've actually lost the will to even want to go onwards to study Digital Design and all that 3D nonsense, and any interest I had in fashion and clothing retail is quickly getting snuffed as well. It's sad. Congratulations everyone (there's actually a lot of everyones, too, before I get the classic singled out responses), you've killed my desire to really try and progress. If it's going to be this much damn trouble, and I do mean a Mountain of Damn Trouble, then hell. I'm not going to kill myself to get to point B to the point that I don't even enjoy it anymore, to where I have to talk myself into wanting it. When you have to pep talk yourself into enjoying something, you're not enjoying it anymore. It feels a bit like I'm slowly sawing my arm off in order to, say, get a car. Oh yay, a car. After the pain and the bleeding, I'd have a hard time feeling enthused about it anymore.

Me, the one who likes being the nonchalant rebel (or trying to be), the outspoken fighter, is exhausted. I'm done fighting. It's wearing me down to a ridiculous point, to that point where everything becomes trivialized and meaningless. No, not that "why am I here" bullshit, but that point of where you look up from whatever you're working on, you stare out, and you go "Why am I doing this? What am I getting out of this?" Then, the kicker, you aren't able to answer those questions. You just stare off, grasping at nothing. You can't think of a reason anymore, not with any sincerity, at any rate.

The vivid colors of life suddenly seem very muted, and it feels a bit like you've seen this episode before, yet you stand there watching and enacting that rerun anyway, for lack of a reason not to.
 
 
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
 
 
11 January 2011 @ 11:39 pm
Brought to you by Random Town.

Random Item #1: GaGaians are taking over.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzAHCDBXRM0

Lady GaGa is an alien, apparently, and Lee Hyori now feels the need to mimic her in some ridiculous HipHop fashion. And here she used to actually be cute and interesting. Hmm. Yes. Well, there went that.


Random Item #2: Crotchless Panties



If your man is too lazy to pull them off you, you're doing it wrong. There is no sense in paying money for that little, non-functional fabric. NEXT!


Random Item #3: The Turn Lane

No picture here. Just a public service announcement: The turn lane is for turning, not passing. I deeply apologize to those who didn't get the memo twenty years ago.


That is all. Thank you, and good night.
 
 
11 January 2011 @ 01:24 am
 Yes, I just made up a word.

Anyway, lately, I've been thinking, and as we all know, thinking is never good for me. I have a nasty habit of mulling over things and being able to notice every aspect of a situation, particularly the bad ones. I do notice the good ones, for the record. Every time I voice the bad aspects, all I hear is that stock response, "Oh, well, people go through rough times. Things get better!"

For even more of a record, I've heard that response for five years and running. What people really mean to say, I think, is "I really don't care, or I don't know what to do, so I'm going to say this response I hear everyone else saying that sounds comforting and caring." Now, there will be people out there who are going to go "OMG! You're singling me out!" No, I'm not. I've heard this response multiple times, from multiple people, at different points in my life, and I have always hated it. I hate any of those stock responses. You know what, here's my black list of stock responses:

"I'm sorry for your loss." WTF? No you're not. Why would you be? Did you kill them?
"Things get better!" How do you know? Do you have a mystical crystal ball? If you do, please hand it over. The crystal ball or your life. I could make a lot of money with it.
"Saying I'm sorry doesn't solve anything." This one burns me up a lot of the time. If I'm saying I'm sorry, it means I can't think of any other options to remedy the situation. I got nothin. Quipping back at me also solves nothing. Save yourself a step  (and maybe your face) and tell me what the hell you want from me, elsewise I might smack you.


Alright, so the list wast shorter than I thought, but I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of. Stock responses bother me, a lot. Lately I've heard peeve number two, as said, and it helps me none at all. I suck at the whole "holding out on hope" thing, as usually, I'm right, and holding out was pointless.

Also, the "dance monkey dance" situation from my previous entry remains, only now it seems I am apparently silly for feeling that way, as I've again heard from multiple parties. Well, then I am silly, but fact is, I'm not happy with the situation, and my happiness is number one priority. My mission is to never sacrifice my happiness for anything. People say to live life every day like that day could be your last. Well, if today was my last day, I'd be fucked. Likewise with tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. I see no viable way to do this, and it angers me.

With more ranting comes.... more ranting. I remember my late grandmother once saying, once upon a time, "I am not your cruise director and this is not a cruise ship. Stop turning to me for things to do and direction!" She said it while we were on a trip, as everyone, including our "hosts" up in Indy (the people we were seeing) were turning to her for plans, even though we were supposed to be on vacation. I feel that way these days. No one seems to call me or anything to hang out, and then complain about not seeing me much. When I used to be really social, I was the one orchestrating it all (as was my poor wallet). Going to the movies? I had to plan it. Meeting for lunch? I had to plan it. Going shopping? I had to plan it. Me, me, and more me. So, one day, when everyone moved to Jacksonville, I said "enough." I decided to go silent and see if the people I knew here in town, the remainder of my "groups," would rise to the occasion. They didn't. I hear about people seeing movies I wanted to see, eating at places I wanted to eat, and hanging out on nights I have had off. Not a phone call. Not a text. Not a damn thing. I see clearly how it is. I figured it would be, but I held out, like a fool. I once talked to a random stranger about this whole ordeal, because I felt like it. I told them about me always orchestrating things, little things, and often having to shell out (ie the get-togethers being things like shopping or eating out, which requires spending money), yet rarely getting anything in return. You know what they said?

"You've got some shitty friends. Ditch 'em. Get new ones. They obviously don't appreciate you enough unless you're out spending money." I posted on an anonymous forum the same question, and I got the same answers. Worded in different ways, but all meaning the same basic thing. So, my sort of unspoken challenge is that people prove them wrong. I put out for you people, why is it that only the people I know that don't live here (be it anymore or ever) put more out for me than the people who all live within two hours of me? I've begun questioning who to keep close, these days, and who I really put my trust into. The numbers are slim. I suppose, on top of everything else, this is another thing that's been bothering me lately.

As I said, I've been thinking, evaluating, and I have yet to have anything good out of stepping back and evaluating my situation. It, more often than not, makes me frustrated. Informed, but frustrated.