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11 January 2011 @ 01:24 am
Horizons and Verticans  
 Yes, I just made up a word.

Anyway, lately, I've been thinking, and as we all know, thinking is never good for me. I have a nasty habit of mulling over things and being able to notice every aspect of a situation, particularly the bad ones. I do notice the good ones, for the record. Every time I voice the bad aspects, all I hear is that stock response, "Oh, well, people go through rough times. Things get better!"

For even more of a record, I've heard that response for five years and running. What people really mean to say, I think, is "I really don't care, or I don't know what to do, so I'm going to say this response I hear everyone else saying that sounds comforting and caring." Now, there will be people out there who are going to go "OMG! You're singling me out!" No, I'm not. I've heard this response multiple times, from multiple people, at different points in my life, and I have always hated it. I hate any of those stock responses. You know what, here's my black list of stock responses:

"I'm sorry for your loss." WTF? No you're not. Why would you be? Did you kill them?
"Things get better!" How do you know? Do you have a mystical crystal ball? If you do, please hand it over. The crystal ball or your life. I could make a lot of money with it.
"Saying I'm sorry doesn't solve anything." This one burns me up a lot of the time. If I'm saying I'm sorry, it means I can't think of any other options to remedy the situation. I got nothin. Quipping back at me also solves nothing. Save yourself a step  (and maybe your face) and tell me what the hell you want from me, elsewise I might smack you.

Alright, so the list wast shorter than I thought, but I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of. Stock responses bother me, a lot. Lately I've heard peeve number two, as said, and it helps me none at all. I suck at the whole "holding out on hope" thing, as usually, I'm right, and holding out was pointless.

Also, the "dance monkey dance" situation from my previous entry remains, only now it seems I am apparently silly for feeling that way, as I've again heard from multiple parties. Well, then I am silly, but fact is, I'm not happy with the situation, and my happiness is number one priority. My mission is to never sacrifice my happiness for anything. People say to live life every day like that day could be your last. Well, if today was my last day, I'd be fucked. Likewise with tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. I see no viable way to do this, and it angers me.

With more ranting comes.... more ranting. I remember my late grandmother once saying, once upon a time, "I am not your cruise director and this is not a cruise ship. Stop turning to me for things to do and direction!" She said it while we were on a trip, as everyone, including our "hosts" up in Indy (the people we were seeing) were turning to her for plans, even though we were supposed to be on vacation. I feel that way these days. No one seems to call me or anything to hang out, and then complain about not seeing me much. When I used to be really social, I was the one orchestrating it all (as was my poor wallet). Going to the movies? I had to plan it. Meeting for lunch? I had to plan it. Going shopping? I had to plan it. Me, me, and more me. So, one day, when everyone moved to Jacksonville, I said "enough." I decided to go silent and see if the people I knew here in town, the remainder of my "groups," would rise to the occasion. They didn't. I hear about people seeing movies I wanted to see, eating at places I wanted to eat, and hanging out on nights I have had off. Not a phone call. Not a text. Not a damn thing. I see clearly how it is. I figured it would be, but I held out, like a fool. I once talked to a random stranger about this whole ordeal, because I felt like it. I told them about me always orchestrating things, little things, and often having to shell out (ie the get-togethers being things like shopping or eating out, which requires spending money), yet rarely getting anything in return. You know what they said?

"You've got some shitty friends. Ditch 'em. Get new ones. They obviously don't appreciate you enough unless you're out spending money." I posted on an anonymous forum the same question, and I got the same answers. Worded in different ways, but all meaning the same basic thing. So, my sort of unspoken challenge is that people prove them wrong. I put out for you people, why is it that only the people I know that don't live here (be it anymore or ever) put more out for me than the people who all live within two hours of me? I've begun questioning who to keep close, these days, and who I really put my trust into. The numbers are slim. I suppose, on top of everything else, this is another thing that's been bothering me lately.

As I said, I've been thinking, evaluating, and I have yet to have anything good out of stepping back and evaluating my situation. It, more often than not, makes me frustrated. Informed, but frustrated.
(Anonymous) on January 29th, 2011 11:54 pm (UTC)
I like the new word! Would it surprise you that most people find themselves in your present circumstances from time to time. It could usually be worse and it is usually not permanent. Granted, I'm not as intelligent as you and I do not have a crystal ball. I do have a lot of real life experience however and most of the time I do know what I'm talking about. Thomas Jefferson once said that he believed in luck. He noted that the harder he worked at improving his lot, the luckier he got.
All in all, I think you have done good and will do even better as you learn and do more living. 'Proud of you squirt, and good luck on friends. You have had some good ones. You miss Maxhimer, don't you?