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04 November 2010 @ 02:27 am
 In these past weeks, I've re-absorbed myself into World of Warcraft, complete with watching beta-tester videos highlighting Cataclysm (my favorite is TotalBiscuit of CynicalBrit.com). Really, thinking about it, it's a good testament to how I've gotten along to be. In this strange bout of things, with everyone doing their thing, and moving on, I believe I've come to hit that whole "midlife crisis" thing early. Well, part one of it, anyway.

Dear god, my thoughts all have TotalBiscuit's British voice narrating them. I... think his videos are adversely affecting my mind. I'm thinking in British.

Anyway, as I was saying, I think I've hit what is to be one of those many midlife crisis phases people go through. I suppose what's worse is that I can't seem to get any real input on the matter. Lord knows that no one actually reads this journal anymore (if you do, please comment -- that's the only way I know), and this is where I'm able to actually formulate my thoughts into something tangible. I'm a horrible speaker. My thoughts and my words get mangled somewhere in-between the brain and the voicebox. Enough blather, though (see? I'm thinking in British), onwards to the elaboration of all of this.

Before anyone cries wahmbulance, as I've been pissing and moaning a lot lately, I'd like to say I have successfully procured a job at Lane Bryant. There's some good news. So nyeh.

Anyway, I recently had a talk with the good old "College Sponsor," otherwise known as BJ, the grandfather "financing" my schooling. He's still hassling me over retaking the two classes I dropped out of upon learning of the misunderstanding in the crediting department at Gulf Coast. As far as I'm concerned, if you tell me "these classes won't count, and are filler," after haggling and trying to get consistent information, I have all the right to throw in the towel and say "fuck it" to the classes that are apparently a waste of my time. I had half a mind to quit school around that time. I was tired of the dicking around. I daresay half of the dropout rate is just people who are too frustrated to do the dance. Regardless, I'm leaving those two Fs be on my transcripts. That isn't the point of this bit though. Large tangent there. The point of this was to note that I am, once again, being pressured to move on his time schedule, not mine. The message that was conveyed was basically that of "I need you to be down there by fall of 2011. That would work best for me." My attempts at getting across the message of "What about what's best for ME? The one who is going to be uprooting her life and moving to a mostly unfamiliar town and sinking two years of her life into an unfamiliar school? Who's going to have to transfer her jobs, HOPE THEY TRANSFER ME, and find a way to make a living?" failed miserably. To add insult to injury, it was suggested that, upon moving, my room would promptly be rented out or used otherwise. Essentially, once I'm gone, I'm gone. I can't come back. So, to add to the previous message, the lady who is moving, spending her time and money trying to get a degree on someone else's time schedule, is damned if she messes up in the least little bit. Better yet, what if I find I don't like the degree I chose? What if I go through the program and can't find a job in the field? What if I have extenuating circumstances that requires me to move to somewhere cheaper in order to get back on my feet again? Oh, sorry, you'll just be fucked.

This has been a common theme these days. This is the same person who, when I turned to him for financial help and guidance on my credit debt, and what to do, said "Not my problem. You messed up. You should go bankrupt. It'll be a good lesson for you." Christ, with family like that, who needs enemies? My point being, I'm once again in the circumstance where "DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!" applies. And I don't like it. I have never liked being on someone's chain.  It apparently doesn't occur to him that it's a pretty big decision for me, moving. I have to find an apartment, make sure my jobs will transfer me and, if they don't, secure work. I have to find the money to rent a moving trunk to haul all of my shit, pay for the gas to haul my shit, somehow get my car down there, and then, on top of all of that, get my transcripts and credits transferred and squared away. I also have to be registered for classes, and make sure financial aid kicks in, and get my books. I also have to learn the area where I live in order to, you know, not be on my way to the next city over. Not only that, but aside from it all, I'll have to probably cope with a stranger for a roommate. I cannot afford even $600 a month on my own, not part time and going to school. I have to do all this by myself. This does not occur to him, quite obviously. (This is the same man who was sent to a boarding school in England, I believe, for highschool and college.)

This is all supposed to go down a year from now in order to be on his time schedule. I'm a little stressed out, needless to say.

On more trivial matters (not really), my passion for much anything escaped during a stormy night, taking all of its belongings with it, leaving but a simple note: Fuck off. My passion for much anything is gone. I feared this happening. I saw it coming. I'm too worn out, worried, and, damn it if I'm admitting it, lonely to chase after all of the crazy ideas I used to have. Cosplaying is the only thing with even the smallest shred of passion left in it. Hell, that's largely because it's me desperately seeking praise for something. I don't get a lot of that, these days. I have thought about it, many times, giving up con going. I... I'm not sure what I get out of it, these days. I'm really not. I'm not sure what I get out of a lot of anything, these days. I feel like I'm just... existing. It's not even just watching life fly by, it's watching it fly by in a nice expensive porsche, rolling down the window to give me the bird. How I see it, it's one thing to not be going anywhere in your life. It's another to feel stuck in a freeze frame. I get up, I go to work, do the same useless job, go home. I walk through a disgusting and messy kitchen, through a messy front room, into my own messy bedroom. Feeling too drained to clean any of the aforementioned rooms, or do anything, for that matter, I sit in front of the computer and log into WoW. I do it because it's simple. It has progress that I can see, things I can work towards and feel like I'm getting somewhere with. Gods, I sound like some WoW junkie. It's sad, because I don't play for long. Two hours at a time, more if I'm just truly bored. I don't find the game all that genuinely entertaining on its own. Not for long, at least.

I need to get away. I think that's what it comes down to. It makes little difference realizing it. Probably makes it worse, really. Blissful ignorance. I kinda wish I had it, sometimes. I swear, this must be some strange curse that plagues the women in my family. We never seem to get what we really want out of life. I suppose it's my determination to not end up miserable and subsequently dead like both my mother and grandmother that's causing me to dip into these depressive, frustrated swings like this. It makes me over-aware.

26 September 2010 @ 09:14 pm
An update on my last entry, and an addendum, even though I know no one reads my journal anymore. I suppose it's more just to know that I have said something about something out there, in public.

Didn't get the supervisor position at Old Navy. That was a tremendous flop, really. I won't go into it too much, but, needless to say, moving up is hard when you don't like the Store Manager, and she doesn't really like you. It's a mutual cock-block relationship. So, I'm back where I started, still job hunting. This is month four, I believe. We're going on into the part of the year where people look for seasonal help, which actually, isn't good. It means people will only want to hire me for three months and drop me. That doesn't help me, at all.

In other news, I've been helping train the new supervisor. Nice guy, and I see good coming from him getting the position. I feel a bit like he feels guilty for getting it, though. He treats me a bit like I'm the supervisor, which is good and nice, but I'm not getting paid for it.

In other news, I've been thinking, which we know is never good. I wonder, more and more, if there's any real worth in going into Digital Media and Design. The more time goes on, the more I see my lifetime goal being something attainable only in my dreams, or when I turn 50. To be quite honest, I'm not willing to wait that long. If I'm only hitting my peak, my desires, at that point, to me, it isn't worth it. I think, perhaps, I'd be too worn out, by then. I'd only have my "golden years" to enjoy what I wanted in my "younger years." Thus, I wonder, more and more, bit by bit, whether I ought not give up on that dream. I don't want to, since it's what has driven me to go up until this point, but these days... Everything's fading. I have the hardest damn time drawing. I can't design for shit, half the time. It's like my spark has vanished entirely. The skill is there, but the driving force behind it bailed a long time ago. I've even tried turning my pencil to designing for more fashion-related purposes, and I still can't get anything worthwhile that I'm happy with.

I don't know anymore. Maybe it's just that I'm getting caught up in my general dissatisfaction with everything.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
14 August 2010 @ 08:50 pm
I find myself drifting along, these days, growing a bit more cynical. Most of my friends are moving away, leaving mainly the ones that work far too often to even notice the existence thereof. I suppose that leaves me with going back to being the gamer-shut in I used to be, before college. I won't really have anything better to do, outside of work and school. All this leads to an old thought process of mine resurfacing.

It seems like a lot of people I know are going places and doing things, and overall happy with their current state in their lives. Things could be better, yes, but for the most part, things are good, or just generally looking up. I suppose it's the cynic or pessimist in me that makes me notice that my situation, on the flipside, is rather the opposite. I'm still struggling with credit card debt, school is becoming a pain in the ass, if not up in the air entirely, and I'm not happy with my home life or entirely my work life. I've got that distinct "I'm going nowhere" feeling. Everyday I think of how to change that, and everyday I come up with next to nothing and a handful of what-ifs. I go job-hunting to find something else I'd enjoy doing to bring in some extra cash and help me out on the bills and debt end, and I get a whole lot of nothing and not hiring. What I do find that I would love doing, I get told I'm not qualified to do, left blinking and feeling confused, especially when it's a job I'm already doing, just at a different location. I look at school, and the prospect of moving, and all I can see is the challenges I don't think I can, in good faith, overcome. I try to be resolved to just be and live simply, and not worry myself, and I face problems in the homelife arena. A filthy house, inconsiderate roomies (using the blender at 12AM and blaring the TV when I have work at 5AM and am trying to sleep), and overall frustration at going at everything alone. Cooking alone, eating alone, cleaning alone, gaming alone. If something fucks up, I only have myself to turn to, ultimately. It's... rather exhausting, and it's starting to get depressing. None of this is what I wanted to be stuck with at 22, and I don't foresee any sort of "looking up" occurring until I'm at least 25.

Too in debt to move, too inexperienced to get a better job, and too exhausted half the time to do a lot of anything. The family just gives me canned responses, but no real action. I suppose I'm starting to crack a bit underneath it all.

As it stands, I'm going to be shooting for the supervisor position at my job. A minor pay increase and hours increase. Not that I'll enjoy it much, considering my dislike for dealing with customers, but, oh well.  I'm going to try and trim my budget down further and stop going out to eat all together, and I've bought some books on budget cooking. We'll see.
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
05 June 2010 @ 02:54 pm
Just a journal to rant about a few select items.

"Ban Offshore Drilling!"

This has always, always pissed me off. It's another case of people being ignorant and wanting to only see the hand in their face, and now what it's connected to. They don't think far enough ahead to realize that they're only treating a symptom, not the disease. Now, let's look at all of the effects of banning offshore drilling, shall we?

First: the immediate effect is many, many people will be out of a job. Many hard-working people with families and lives. What are they going to do? How are you doing to compensate them? You're not, because you didn't think about it, or you're going to villainize them for working on an oil rig. Because they're helping drill oil! THAT'S BAD! OH NOES! ... So now, they're all going to want unemployment. Think about the strain on our government when an entire sector starts drawing unemployment. If it's the strain I'm thinking, that raises taxes. Which creates strain on every working American. Good job, sir. Good job.

Second: Now let's exacerbate that problem. When oil becomes less readily available, like any commodity that become slightly more rare, the price will go up. Oil will be more expensive, because we will be importing more of it than we already are. That will filter into gas prices. No one wants higher gas prices, especially when so many people are struggling as it is to keep the tank filled.

Last: An old problem becomes a bigger problem -- we are now more heavily dependent on foreign oil. What if one of our trade partners, say... Saudi Arabia... has a coup? The new government doesn't like us, and decides to double the price of oil they're selling us, if not triple it. Or, better yet, decides to cut ties entirely. What do we do about our oil supply? Also, in the meantime, gasoline would skyrocket. 

So, how great of an idea was banning offshore drilling, again?

Side-effect item: "We shouldn't rely on oil! We should rely on alternative resources and fuels!"

This doesn't even get a breakdown from me. Yes, we have alternatives out there. Has anyone priced a fully functional electric car lately? The Tesla Roadster, for example. They are INSANELY expensive, and still a new technology. I don't mean those one seater rinky dinks, I mean actual cars, with a chassis and build similar to your average car. With gear shifting, like your average car. With the outfitting, like your average car. They're expensive as all get-out.  Hydrogen fuel -- limited in supply, expensive, and still not fully tested, if I remember right. So many alternatives the average American simply has no access to or can't afford. It's as simple as that. If it was, we'd already be off our petroleum addiction.
15 May 2010 @ 09:41 pm
Another angst/wangst/bitchy entry. Forewarning, that's all.

I've heard a lot of things used as descriptors of me, some making me laugh, some I merely agree with, and some make me feel introspective and thoughtful. Sweet (hah!), lazy, hard working, detached, cold (I've heard this one a lot, believe it or not, from family), selfish... A lot of interesting things. These days, I feel distant. Kind of like I'm here, physically, just going about things. The saying "They're just kinda... there" I feel applies, all of a sudden. I've forgotten things I normally don't forget, I've been scatterbrained, I've screwed up things I usually can do in my sleep... and I just feel out of it every single day. It bothers me. It's like I'm on some crappy version of autopilot, but I'm too tired to get off it.

That's another thing: I'm tired or lethargic all the damn time. I do mean ALL the time. Today I woke up at 3:30 in the afternoon, and I woke up tired. I didn't oversleep, I got 9 hours, but this is a common problem. I don't even have to do any work to feel tired. I wake up tired. If I was menstruating, that'd be one thing, but I'm not doing that anymore, and I'm still exhausted every waking moment. Last time I went to the doctor to complain about my fatigue and my chest pains, I walk out with a prognosis of "You're healthy. =D"

THIS IS HEALTHY? I'd hate to see sick.

I dunno. I just know that whatever is wrong, I don't like it. I want my energy back. I want to feel like doing rather than sitting. On that same sort of vein, I feel like I'm moving through life being pulled along by the tide. I get a job in order to make money to both pay my bills and debt and to be able to pay for things I want, pay for leisure and fun. I'm more in debt than when I started and the amount of "fun" I've had has gone down considerably, and I'm not entirely happy with my job. I go to school to satisfy my hopes and dreams, and I end up in a rut, broke, and with all of my scholarship money down the drain, with the future of my schooling looking bleak and full of unknowns. Hell, everything's looking bleak, to me. Even if I do get an approved appeal for Financial Aid, it'll only be to get the two math classes I need for this General A.A., and I'll still be too broke to finance another four years of school at a university, nevermind financing the move, an apartment, and life in a big city. I just don't see it happening anymore. I have no idea how long it's going to take for me to pay off my credit card, and I see little to no hope for moving up in my job or getting better pay anywhere else. I hate to sound like Kym, but it really, really seems like I'm fucked all around.

"Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Working a dead end retail job, probably two, paying bills, and playing video games in my house. That's one exciting future. I don't like where I am, and I see no conceivable, realistic way to get where I want to be. Where I really want to be. All the ideas I had four years ago sound like hilarious pipe dreams to me, now.

And now I'm going to scrounge around the kitchen for food and try and make lunch for tomorrow, because I'm broke. I have five dollars in my account, and will until Wednesday. That's another thing I don't like. No matter how hard I try, it seems like I'm living from paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by. I don't like this movie. I want out.
23 April 2010 @ 04:20 pm
Currently in the process of trying to get my ride up and repaired again. Tire got punctured on the way home from work yesterday, and got all kinds of jacked up. So, trying to get a tire to replace it, hoping that the place is open (privately owned, so, really, they can close whenever they want).

Elsewise I'm going to have to figure out how to get to work tomorrow and Sunday...

22 April 2010 @ 09:32 pm
Another day of work behind me, another clump of hours on my paycheck. I came to realize that this is the first time in a while that I've worked an entire week with only one actual day off. Shipwreck starts on Saturday. My uniform is clean and ready to go.

I've come to observe that my sentiment, which I know is shared with my department in general at Old Navy, is shared by another coworker as well, and she's been there only half as long as I have been. It's sad, really. Old Navy is going down the drain. For almost the entire week, our Customer Evaluations have put us at anywhere from 5 to 11. That's 5 - 11 out of 100. If our District Manager is sane, I foresee him visiting during the month of May, seeing as how I HIGHLY doubt our scores will improve. I actually foresee a possible individual evaluation if this continues. That's the logical thing. That aside, our Merchandising Manager's ability to merchandise is... well... it leaves a lot to be desired.

I'll not continue rambling about work, though. We all know it's a hot mess. Moving onwards to other hot messes... Venom 1.5 is almost done, but still behind schedule. Calintz also is behind schedule. I need to kick into gear, but I need to stop being so damned tired from work. Vicious cycle, that. Also, I realized a while ago that I do have a very good intuitive ability to see things for what they are, and I usually say so. I am honest, and I let people know exactly what's on my mind.

So why is it lately that every time I do say something, some sort of (extremely insignificant) repercussion comes from it? Are people really that sensitive and in need of a 24 hour "Coddly Nanny" service? Seriously people. Wah. Bawl. Life goes on. I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. Like when you say "I wish my real life friends cared as much as my online friends," that's going to piss someone off, especially after people spent money, took time out of their day to do something for you, because they cared. I'm pointing out that fact. I point out when someone's making a douche out of themselves. You want mean? You are an insignificant dot out of billions on this planet. Your life is meaningless in the scope of things. No one has to love you, or care for you, or even say hello to you. No matter how pretty you are, no matter how successful you are, no matter how loud you are. In the end, you are still just one person out of a billion, and if you died tomorrow, only a tiny, tiny fraction might care out of that billion. The world will turn as it always has, and in time, you will be forgotten.

That's me being mean. I do it well.

Dear god, I just heard Jack Nicholson in my head. AH!

That lovely bit aside (apologies if I scarred anyone), I finally have dice. It's limited on the d#s, but I have some now, and some is better than none, as I hate having to constantly borrow dice to roll anything.

Hmm... I can't remember what I was going to blog about now. I guess it was just that. OH! My designer's drive is coming back! Rejoice! My creative block is finally going away! A whole two years and it's finally going away!!
Current Mood: pensivepensive
21 April 2010 @ 12:19 am
New layout up. Yay. I am not fond of this whole S2 thing, but I'll get used to it in all due time.
27 March 2010 @ 11:46 pm
... I'm thinking of job hunting again. Old Navy is giving bad vibes, particularly from my Store Manager, in the "Oh, well, since you're availability fluctuates, we're going to have to let you go" kind of vibes. She said today that they, in laymen terms, can't plan around my availability very easily. I'd have to be shifted to a different department (ie put in Customer service at only 10hrs a week), while my Operations Manager (my manager directly above me, if you skip my supervisor), was like "I'd hate to see her leave. Maybe we can work something out," to which the SM's reply was "Well... you need to train more people anyway (IE I don't see this employee as worth the trouble like you do)."

All in all, I almost certainly smell getting the axe to the back during the summer. I'd rather procure a job that's willing to work with me and quit rather than get terminated or cut to near nonexistent hours. I will say, though, that I especially want to quit because I don't like feeling under-appreciated and super expendable, and that is exactly how the SM made me feel. I don't matter. I'm just a peon. I also don't like getting snipped at over being late ten minutes when we have employees (and the SM herself) frequently late by hours, not minutes. Not cool. This job is pissing me off more than it's rewarding me. My work feels pointless, I feel like it isn't even valued by the higher ups, and I'm tired of dealing with problem after problem with the store. First it's availability, then it's fluctuating hours, then it's scheduling screw-ups... I'm going to be pulling two jobs and school. I don't need one of them to fuck with me. I need everything to click together and work in harmony like a cold, hard, well oiled machine. I'd hate to leave Old Navy, because my actual duties I enjoy. I like pricing and merchandising and all of the behind the scenes stuff that keeps the store going. I never thought I would have. However, I really don't want to deal with this bullshit. I've dealt with enough from other things.

Question is, where do I go? It took me months to get my job at Old Navy, and I went to them because they're the only one that contacted me back. I hate hopeless looking situations.
15 February 2010 @ 03:21 am
I had this introspective, reflective, emotional post all thought up, and then I glanced at the last post I made back in December, the one just prior to this one. I then realized I'd be rehashing so much of what I've already said roughly a month or two prior. Regardless of this, I'm going to go on as planned anyway.

Cut for sheer length and allCollapse )
Current Mood: morosemorose